When it comes to sex, the Muslim woman in the eyes of the West is either treated as a sexual being whose sexuality is frowned upon and hence oppressed or treated as a person without any sexual feelings and desires. Of course, both perspectives are extremes, but unfortunately, they are the prevailing two images about Muslim women. And unfortunately, the West does not admit at all that the industry of pornography is a pure Western production.

From the beginning of Islam, sexual issues were treated very frankly and Muslim women were encouraged to inquire about their most intimate feminine concerns. Sexual education isn’t an invention of the West; it is a genuine Islamic practice that was as natural as any other sort of education. Islam is a religion for human beings; hence, Islam admits the sexual needs of people; men and women. In Islam, sex is not a sin, and it is not shameful to have a sexual desire towards the other sex. In fact, Muslim men and women are not encouraged at all to live without marriage. However, Islam has set guidelines for people regarding different sex issues.

Does Islam disrespect women’s intellectual abilities?

All Islamic teachings highly encourage women to seek education and to have a mission and a role in their societies. There is a verse in Quraan that asks women clearly to read anything that increases their knowledge and wisdom. Islam encourages women to have their independent personalities and views, and the history of Islam is full of examples of women who are intellectual and influential in different fields. Among these examples are Aisha, the Prophet’s wife (may Allah be pleased with her), Zubaida Bint Jaafar, and Khawla Bint Thalaba, who questioned her husband’s decision in abandoning her and was not convinced when Prophet Mohammad (Peace Be Upon Him) told her to be patient and follow her husband’s desire. She stayed at the prophet’s door until Allah Himself said in Quraan that He had listened to her and that he doesn’t approve of her husband’s attitude. The list of Muslim women who made a difference and had a role in their societies is endless, and those women were respected for their minds, not for their looks or bodies.

Women and Sex in Islam

Although Muslim women were asked to wear hijab and to be completely modest and decent with men, their sexuality was never denied or frowned upon. Like men, women’s sexual needs are catered for in Islam. Here are some examples from Hadith and from the history of Islam on the condition of women and sex:

1. 1. Prophet Mohammad used to praise women for being shy and modest when they are among men, yet at the same time he used to highly praise women who ask many questions and inquire about all life’s issues even the most embarrassing and intimate ones. He used to encourage women to be knowledgeable and to never let shyness stand in their way.

2. 2. Prophet Mohammad spoke about sex very candidly, and he is probably the first person to talk about foreplay and tackle the issue of orgasm. There is a hadith narrated by Anas Bin Malik that says the Prophet said: “If one of you makes love to his wife, he should do it with honesty. He should not rush his wife. He should wait until she is satisfied.” In another Hadith he says:  ”Don’t make love to your wives without a messenger; foreplay and kissing.”

3. 3. The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said that there is a reward from Allah for the man when he makes love to his wife. The companions asked the prophet then: do we get a reward for doing something that is for our own pleasure? He said: Aren’t you punished when you have sex with a woman who is not your wife? So you will be rewarded when you make love with the right person in “Halal”.

4. 4. Islam has also catered for women’s different sexual needs. Islam knows that some women are more sexual than others, so he gave any woman the right to ask for a divorce if her husband does not fulfill her sexual needs. Women in Islam were never ashamed to complain to the prophet about their impotent or sexually weak husbands. There was a woman who came to the prophet and told him that her husband couldn’t please her sexually, especially because she was married before him to a better man. The prophet asked her: do you want to remarry your first husband? She said yes, and the prophet approved. No blaming was done. No complications. No accusations of the woman’s chastity. No one called her a whore or a slut because she preferred one man to another. It was indeed a simple, healthy, and natural society. If a woman asks for a divorce these days for such a reason, the whole society will scorn her and accuse her of the worst things!

5. 5. Sometimes women reach a phase where they just cannot tolerate or love their husbands anymore in a way that makes martial life very difficult. There was a woman who came to the Prophet and told him: My husband is a great man in every sense, yet I hate being a disobedient and disrespectful wife. I hate him! The prophet said: what did he give you as a dowry? She said: a garden. He said: return his garden, and you are free.

6. 6. The companions also followed suit. While Omar Bin Al-Khattab (The Second Khalifa) (May Allah be Pleased with Him)  was once wandering around the city to guard it and check the safety of his people, he heard a woman reciting a poem that said:

The night has spread and darkened without me having a lover to cuddle

If it weren’t for the fear of Allah, I would have turned this bed into pleasure

But my fear of Allah and my modesty prevent me, and my husband is more honorable and dignified than to be disrespected this way.

After hearing this, Omar Bin Al-Khattab (May Allah be Pleased with Him) asked about the woman who was living in that house, and he was told her name and that her husband went for “Jihad”. Omar rushed to his daughter Fatima (the Prophet’s wife) and asked her: “for how long can a woman tolerate being away from her husband?” She said: “Why are you asking such a question?” He said: “I want to do what is best for Muslims.” She said: “around 5 or 6 months.” As a result, Omar changed the time the troops should be away, and he made it as follows: one month for going, 4 months for fulfilling their mission, and one month for returning, so any man would not be away from his wife for more than 6 months.

1. Related to the issue above, Islam has set a time limit for husbands who abandon their wives for no clear reason. Most scholars agree that a woman has the right to ask for divorce if her husband is out of the country for more than one year for no clear reason. And even if the husband’s absence is justified, but the woman cannot stand being without a husband, she can ask for a divorce without paying her husband any money or returning the dowry.

1. In Islam, there is no conflict between a woman’s sexuality and her chastity and wisdom. One of the known stories about a famous Muslim woman, Aisha Bint Talha, is her story with one of her friends. Aisha was known for her wisdom, knowledge, dignity, and modesty. A friend once came to Aisha Bint Talha’s house, and while she was there, Aisha’s husband, Amr Bin Obaid, came and wanted to talk to his wife. They went together to their room, but the friend could overhear them. She was shocked at what she heard, for she heard things that were not expected of a respectable woman like Aisha. When Aisha came out, her friend told her about her astonishment at what she heard. She said: I can’t imagine a woman of your status in society doing such things!

Aisha said: Why do you deny such a thing?

Her friend said: It would have been better to do these things at night when no one can hear you!

Aisha said: Well, at night there’s much more…when my husband sees me, he likes to do whatever he wants, and there is no harm in going with the flow and enjoying…

Aisha Bint Talha was a notable woman in her society, and her sexuality didn’t contradict with her being a good Muslim woman.

It just saddens me that some Muslims deny women their right to have feelings and desires, and this denial is not done just by men, but by women themselves. Some Muslim women believe, unfortunately, that if you are to be a good Muslims, you should deny your desires and “ascend” above all desires and mundane trivialities. Well…”ascend” is not the right word here, ladies! If you are with your husband, the word “ascend above desires” should NOT exist in bed! You will still be a good Muslim even if you enjoy intercourse with your husband.

Muslim Women and the Balance Between Beauty and Hijab

We, women, love to be beautiful and attractive wherever we are. If you deny this, then you are not a woman. Beauty among so many other things is a major concern for women no matter how educated or not educated they are. Some just don’t have the time to take care of their beauty, but deep inside they wish to be beautiful. From the dawn of history, women have used all the natural resources they had to beautify themselves. It’s part of our humanity and femininity. I am talking here about the natural innate desire to be acceptable and beautiful; not about the obsession with beauty, cosmetics, and plastic surgery. Of course, Allah has created us and knows our nature, and He also knows that men usually misinterpret our nature and our need to be beautiful. Men usually think that if a woman takes care of her beauty and shows it, she wants something…and that “something” is usually sex! Well, we women know it’s not always this way. Many women, like myself, want to feel and be beautiful all the time for ourselves. It makes us feel better when we dress up nicely. We feel better when we style our hair and have some simple make up on. It’s as simple as that! Unluckily, men don’t see it this way. They see it in atotally different way: You wear make up? You focus on your lips? You show your cleavage? You wear tight clothes that reveal your feminine curves? Well….you are a hotty and I am the man for you, baby!

And please..don’t tell me American or Western men are different ..Along with all the books and research I’ve read about American men’s behavior and feelings toward women, I’ve also known a few of them..and I know very well how American men think. The civilized gentleman “appearance” of the western man doesn’t deceive me. According to an American survey in the 80’s, when men see a woman for the first time, more than 90% of American men think “how does she look naked? How does she look in a bikini?”

See related studies:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/02/090216-bikinis-women-men-objects.html

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/19/women.bikinis.objects/index.html

This is not to blame men or to insult them. Most men think this way because it’s their nature. Some are too good and smart not to show it. Some know how to deal with it and control it. Others brag about it, and others don’t know how to control themselves.

Of course, there are the “sophisticated, educated” ones who deny it, and there are the ones who don’t feel anything toward women; those are impotents, of course.  No offence, brothers, but some women are so stupid regarding men’s nature.

And here comes the role of hijab. It quenches both women and men’s desires and focuses their energies on something more honorable and more productive. Hijab is meant to make both men and women focus on more important issues than flirting and courtship. Islamic teachings look at the bigger picture; building the nation…being productive…fulfilling the mission of building this earth as Allah wanted it. I know this sounds strange, especially when you Westerners try to relate it to Arab nations today. This is NOT what Allah has meant us to be..this is not what Allah created us for.

If you take a look at the Islamic history, you will know what I mean.

http://www.1001inventions.com/

If Muslims at that time were preoccupied and obsessed with women and flirting, they would have never made all those achievements.

Staring at women lustfully all the time is not what a man should be doing, but if he sees flesh around him all the time, he will turn into a beast.

Focus on your jobs and on productivity, gentlemen. That’s how you build nations! 

Ladies, showing your beauty and exposing parts of your breast, thighs, and hips doesn’t send any respectful message about you even if you are respectable. Once I saw a documentary about women and work in the UK where they discussed many issues that working women face in Britain and interviewed a few experts. One of the experts said: when a woman comes to work with a very short skirt and with her breasts popping up from her blouse, why does she complain that men don’t respect her, don’t take her seriously, or don’t listen to her? Well, what does she expect with her exposed body sending all those wrong messages?

I was really surprised to hear this from a British woman who have probably never heard about Islam and hijab, but I guess it’s human nature everywhere.

For us Muslim women, the issue is very difficult. It is our “jihad” and our struggle in life. Allah knows our nature, and so He has given us an alternative; dressing up as beautifully as possible to our husbands and in front of women and other family members. However, with the increasing number of unmarried women, this seems to be very difficult to maintain. That’s where the problem lies. Many young girls have this urge to be beautiful without any bad intentions, but they are always mistaken for “sluts” because of their provoking appearance. I think all Muslim women should know that when they are wearing hijab or dressing up decently, they are doing it for Allah, and they will be rewarded for this. I just can’t but respect Egyptian, Syrian, American, and Lebanese young women who live in open societies where “flesh” is everywhere, yet they have chosen to cover up and follow Allah’s obligation. They are really strugglers. I so much admire their confidence in their appearance and their strength in carrying on in such a way and in societies where they are judged because of their hijab.

In Saudi Arabia, I believe, we are making the impossible balance. We love beauty like all women around the world. We take very good care of our bodies, and we try hard to be decent yet elegant. That’s why we choose our fancy abayas and wear make up with the hijab. Some might say “that’s not hijab”…yes … it is not how it is supposed to be, but it’s better than nothing. At least some of us are trying so hard to be within the limits of decency.  Moreover, I feel the abaya is a blessing. A Saudi woman can stick to her hijab and beliefs, yet at the same time, under the abaya, she can be a beauty queen. We celebrate our beauty and femininity everyday without provoking men and without upsetting Allah.  It is no contradiction; it’s the balance that Western women cannot understand; How can such a being covered in a black cloak be so pretty and sexy at the same time? We are covered in black, but we are also human beings who have the right to be beautiful and to buy dresses and accessories from any brand name that we choose. It’s no sin in Islam to be beautiful or to buy brand names. It’s no contradiction. The contradiction lies when a woman works as a prostitute at night and wears hijab in the morning. The contradiction lies when a woman hides her personality and does all the nasty things under hijab. The contradiction lies when you call for something in public and do the opposite when you are alone. When we I wear the Abaya and make sure that no man sees my body or my beauty, and then go to work dressed up elegantly, it’s not a contradiction. I am pleasing Allah and pleasing my femininity at the same time. We don’t dress up for other women; we dress up for ourselves…to satisfy the woman inside of us, and probably, to get compliments from other women, and we’re usually sure that  99% of the time these compliments have no hidden meanings… they are compliments for the sake of compliments…lesbians usually don’t compliment other women; they hit on them immediately, and this rarely happens in our society. I don’t care how many studies or newspaper articles you’ve read about Saudi lesbians;  I only care about what I see around me. This is the reality; not the silly paid writers! Throughout my life I have met only two lesbians; one was Saudi and the other was an Austrian woman at a lingerie shop in Vienna! We are a society of women who love and admire men and seek a settled married life with men we can grow old with…..sorry to defeat the image some have formed about us…but that is another topic

Soon you will read in this blog stories about real Saudi women like you have never known them!